(no subject)

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not more depressed than I am.

It's really not fair that everyone else gets everything handed to them.  I am living in a small town now, going to work, and I have nothing.  I have no friends living in the same town as me.  The only people living here are either high schoolers waiting to graduate high school and leave the first chance they get or there's the small community college.. filled with pregnant middle-aged women and younger people too retarded to go to a better school.  All my friends don't live here and slowly, slowly we are growing apart, and I don't blame them.  I have nothing new to talk about, there's nothing to say except to reminisce about the times we once had.  We will never live in the same place again.  We will never go through new life events together.  And I have no chances to make new friends.  I can go full days without talking to anyone.

I'm about to apply to a new job.  It doesn't make sense because I don't even need money, other than the $50 dollars I need per month to pay my phone bill.  Soon I will not even need a phone.  If they hire me, they could possibly need me full time, which means I will be stuck indefinitely.  The few trips I am able to take to visit friends who have moved away will be gone.  I will have no freedom.  I don't know why I am doing this to myself.  I wish there were actually bad things happening in my life.  I wish I was trying to fight a horrible disease, I wish i lived in a war-torn country, I wish some natural disaster would strike my community.  Because with all the bad things happening, there would be a way that things could be better.  There would be something to hope for.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I cry because I feel guilty.  Guilty that I am taking the place of someone who has a life, love, and goals.  I think about all the people who are dying of cancer and other diseases, when it should be me.  I am the perfect suicide candidate.  I don't know of anyone else who could be put in my situation and be able to live through it.  There are about maybe 5 people who would seriously be affected if I died.  There may be more who would feel sad and would go to my funeral but would soon get over it.  There would be nothing to say at my funeral because few people know who I am.

I don't see anything ever picking up from here.  I will die like this.  Many, many, many miserable years from now.  I will live longer than most people.  But it doesn't matter.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

(no subject)

This is a terrific day for you, dear Taurus, and you should find that your relationships - especially with men - go exceptionally well. Your tender and extremely sensitive nature is finally being recognized as the treasure chest that it is. There are many times in which this type of personality is seen as weak, yet today is one of those times in which you're given the full credit that you deserve.

(no subject)

how much do i hate when my horoscope is right on target.

"Today is one of those days when you may feel lethargic and downbeat, dear Taurus. For some reason, even if you have a driving urge to get up and do something, it seems as if there is a two-ton weight sitting right on top of your head. Meanwhile everyone else is off and running. You're probably better off this way. Learn from other's mistakes when they land flat on their face. Gather information so that you know best how to proceed on your own when the weight has been lifted off. It will soon."
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(no subject)

Four down, one to go.

I love my mom a lot.
It's too bad I'll have to terminate our relationship.

Dear God,

Stop it.

Love, Stacey
  • Current Music
    The Phantom of the Opera Theme Song

(no subject)

Feel free to interpret this extremely messed up dream I had a few months ago:

I had a baby during school between 2nd and 3rd hour, and conveniently I didn't have to miss class because apparently it took under 5 minutes. And I couldn't think of a name for my baby.. so he just went unnamed.. and I remember being scared thinking it was a Scorpio because this dream happened on the first day of Scorpio, but then it turned out it was born on March 3rd, so a pisces.. and then 10 years later, still unnamed, there was a famine where we lived, so we started eating our neighbors. Then someone else from our town put us both in a cardboard box and told us we would get what we deserved which apparently was being fed alive to starving bulls that had their ribs showing. As we were being lowered down out of our box with our red eyes gleaming, I asked if it was going to be a slow, painful death and was told yes, but then it wasn't. For some reason. I couldn't understand for the life of me why bulls would eat me though, being that I'm a Taurus.  And then I woke up.
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Day 28

So yes we went to Bodrum.  İt sucked.  Probably the most boring almost 3 weeks of my life.  İ was about to say in the last entry that İ didn`t want to go.  İ knew it was going to be horrible.  İf you think about it though İ had no one to talk to, couldn`t watch TV, couldn`t go on the computer for more than 5 minutes at a time because my sister hogged it.  But what really drove me crazy was that İ couldn`t listen to music or read English words.  The highlights of my days were meal times which also caused stress.  So between meal times 90% of the time İ was laying down somewhere and always wishing the time would pass.  Oh and if we went into town to buy groceries that was a real treat.  After Zeynep and Mehmet left it was kind of like okay.. now what.  İ miss Zeynep.  She`s kind of like my shepherd and she has the best English.  İ wish she wasn`t going to Brazil.  And it`s in one week.  Although İ get very mixed signals form everyone and İ can`t read anyone.  At all.  Especially Melike.  İ don`t know what to think about her.  İ can`t tell if she likes me.  İ go from thinking she hates me to thinking she loves me.  The same goes for Zeynep but İ only think she doesn`t like me for 2 reasons.  Melike said something extremely bitchy to me in Bodrum and İ`m not going to write it here because if İ forget what it was it will be more than okay, but it will probably keep replaying in my mind.  Her and Zeynep get in fights sometimes.. a lot actually.  So İ wonder if what Melike said just means that İ`m accepted.  İ wish we could be friends.  İ can`t help but think İ let everyone down by being a shitty exchange student who won`t even talk to her host family.  But İ can`t.  Bodrum wasn`t all that bad.  Well actually it was but some things we did were go to the aquapark, go horseback riding, see the Cuban band play.  İ remember when we were at the bar and Zeynep, Melike, and İ were talking.  Well actually mostly just Zeynep was talking.  And then we went for a walk and it was weird to be hanging out with Mehmet.  Then Zeynep and İ talked for a while and she said "İ don`t know your feelines" and İ realized no one knows my feelings.  İ want to be able to open up and talk to my family.  Terry said İ`m quiet but when İ get to know someone İ open up.  So Zeynep also told me about how her father was in jail in 1980 for rebelling against the Turkish government, etc.  İ think there`s so many interesting things like that that they could tell me if İ just let them.  Then melike joined and we went and sat closer to the water and got into this political discussion in which very few of my thoughts were shared.  İt was interesting though.  The return date from Bodrum kept getting pushed back and it drove me closer and closer to the edge.  Because İ was counting down the hours.  And it`s depressing when you have to add hours.  İ guess my whole exchange so far has been defined by mood swings.  İf you read this journal up to here you can see this.  And İ`m quite down-trodden right now.  My "first day of school" was crazy.  When İ found out we`d be coming back to Ankara on the first day of school İ was so enraged.  How my family has the ability to control this.  How it`s been almost a month and İ haven`t spend more than two days in a row in my bed in Ankara.  So we arrived at six in the morning.  İt was freezing and we took a taksi and when we got here the electricity was out and my dresser was missing from my room.  Weird.  İ was trying on some of Melike`s school uniforms and İ thought it was odd how no one else was freaked out that İ had school in an hour and had nothing to wear and no school supplies.  İ finally got everything and my mother took me to Tevfik Fikret.  We got stuck in traffic on the way there.  When we got there there was a weird ceremony going on that involved native Turkish dancing.  The school was so busy with the French embassy so my mom was just like do you want to leave and İ said yes.  Heh.  We went to another school a few hours later and İ hated it so much İ was trying not go cry.  İt`s in English.  Tevfik Fikret didn`t want me because some of the classes are in Turkish.  İ know they had an American student last year so why are they saying it to me.  İ was saying it would be okay and no one would listen.  İ think my mother always gets what she wants and won`t settle for anything else.  Melike is like this too.  And İ couldn`t be more opposite.  İ accomodate to whatever people want if it will avoid having a conversation about it.  İt`s MY school.  The school that İ will be going to for a year.  İ want Turkish or French.  İ want social studies.  But apparently İ`m being put in a bunch of English science and math classes.  The head master was like do you like science.  İ said no.  Do you like literature.  İ said no.  Do you like gym.  İ said no.  Do you like school.  İ said yes.  God what a fucking asshole.  He sort of skipped social studies altogether.  The head of the English department was the biggest bitch ever.  She was trying to chat it up with me and it was making me want to cry.  İ should have just bursted out crying right when she was explaining to me the exquisite fucking English program.  My mom would have freaked out though and never shut the hell up about it.  They have 10 hours a week of English, 3 hours of literature, and then some other shit.  They evaluate all aspects of the English language which would be easy for me especially since İ thi nk İ have better English than most Americans.  They have classes of 9 or 10 and want me to help the other students.  There`s no way in hell that`s going to happen :).  İ`d expect to be paid for that.  She was SUCH a bitch.  She kept talking about how İ wouldn`t speak and how İ`d have to speak in the classes.  And she kept asking if İ had questions.  İ said no and she assumed this meant İ could be put in any classes and İ wouldn`t care.  Of course İ care about my education İ just don`t have any questions because İ don`t give a shit about your horrible school.  Lol, İ could have snapped so many times.  Maybe it wouldn`t be so bad.  Maybe İ should put forth just a little effort.  Maybe İ`m bitter because yesterday and today have been horrible so far.  İt`s so hard.

One week in Turkey

İ forgot to mention yesterday the alcohol.  Oh and people in Turkey like to feed each other.  So Zeynep made some chocolate drinks which contained liquor.  İ think it actually made me more giddy/outgoing.  We were sitting there watching TV and İ couldn`t understand a word of course and İ was trying my damndest to keep from bursting out laughing.  İt was just like having a few caffeine pills or something.  Turks like to feed you both literally and figuratively, they like to play games (billardo, table soccer or whatever its called, backgammon which sucks, etc.), they are very trendy and like Levi`s and Converse, and they like to smoke.  And they love blue eyes and blonde hair.  But a lot of people have fake blonde hair so not that so much.  They will call a fat ugly American "çok güzel" (very beautiful) just because of her blue eyes that she hates.  Tonight we are going to that hangout place again and İ need to get somet pictures of everyone.  We will go on holiday to İstanbul or Bodrum but it will probably be Bodrum since one can go to İstanbul anytime.  Zeynep said İ will "burn like a chicken" and İ don`t want to because then no one will gasp at me for being pale haha.  İ met their grandma today and she is the typical Mediterranean very old-looking person.  She sits there and babbles in Turkish and is very crazy.  İ was nervous going to greet her because İ didn`t know if İ should do that kissy-forehead thing.  İ didn`t and İ think İ embarrassed myself.  Oh and Turkish people love to kiss each other and İ don`t mind much. 

We`re going to Bodrum in

6th Day in Turkey

Yesterday we went to a net cafe and İ finally talked to my parents and Brad.  Koray slept over and we all slept on the balcony.  Koray is the most beautiful person İ`ve ever seen in my life.  He doesn`t speak English.  İ don`t speak Turkish.  But it`s cool how much we are able to communicate: The other day Zeynep and Sertuç (İ learned how to spell it) taught me to say geet geet!, should any creepy Turkish men start chatting it up with me, and then yesterday on the balcony there was a cockroach and Melike and Koray were yelling at it and İ was like geet geet! and he laughed.  And İ was in the bathroom and Koray didn`t know İ was in there so he turned off and on the light and then when İ opened the door he was like pardon, which is the same word in English, Turkish, and French.  He was playing American rock music and listening to him saying "smooooke on de waturr" was hilarious and how he doesn`t know what he`s saying.  He put a blanket on me and Melike was like "romantik", which is also English and Turkeish.  And when İ was going up the stairs and he was coming out of the bathroom and İ scared him and he jumped and İ laughed.  When Sertuç slid across the floor on a matress, one time when he was running İ moved the mattress and Koray laughed and grabbed my arm.  Zeynep was telling me about how her mom would love me and she was like "because you are so kind and so sweet" and Koray was like "so hot" and İ was like where the hell did that cvome from.  He couldn`t have understood what the conversation was about.  Oh yeah, everyone thinks İ`m beautiful.  Never in my whole life have İ been so happy to have blue eyes.  The 5 of us were sitting at the table and Zeynep was like "give me your glasses".  Then they all (minus Koray) talked about how beautiful İ am and how İ shouldn`t hide my beauty.  Once again, İ was like what the hell.  İt was neat waking up and having the first thing İ saw be Koray.  And having him open his eyes a second later.  Sleeping on the balcony was really cool.  The next morning their two cousins came over and İ got my fortune told.  When you drink Turkish coffee when you`re done you flip the cap onto the saucer and the ground reveal your future.  So apparently my family misses me, my cat with yellow eyes has powers and relaxes me, my wish will come true (woo.), "maybe" İ will find love in Turkey.  İ have someone who wants to tell me something but can`t becuase we`re not romantically close.  A BOY WHO İS A PİSCES WANTS TO COMMUNİCATE WİTH ME.  (weird), İ will work as a leader and tell people what to do but İ will not get to be around people much, and İ will meet someone in Paris who İ will marry when İ`m 27-39.  İt was so cool, especially the pisces thing and the finding love in Turkey thing .  İll just tell Koray to meet me in Paris.  So later me, Zeynep, Melike, Sertuç, and Koray played "truth or brave" (İ didn`t feel like correcting them).  Apparently Koray first "made sex" in an elevator and Zeynep "made sex" with 5 people.  Oh and İ kissed Koray and Sertuç on the lips.  That`s right.  Also İ spanked Zeynep on the ass with a drumstick and got to watch Sertuç`s striptease.  When he first took off his pants İ was like wait!  And then İ turned on the light and everyone laughed.  Their mother returned from Germany and she is nice but İ hope this doesn`t change things.  Oh and they made me write out the lyrics to a South Park song so they could understand it, lol.  And İ got my luggage today!

Fourth Day in Turkey, etc.

İ still love Türkiye. İt seems very different than it was three days ago. İ woke up and had my first Turkish breakfast on the balcony. Then İ went with Zeynep to the Brazilian embassy. Then we went to meet her friends in a cafe. They said İ`m "so white". İ really like Setuç (spelling). He`s beautiful, nice, speaks a bit of English (İ never though İ would like that about someone), and we like similar music. We went to a different "hang out" place then where İ was taught to play billardo (pool). Setuç kept saying "it`s too easy, it`s too easy". Anyway İ didn`t suck that bad, İ kind of surprized myself, but it was still embarrassing lol. After that we went to another cafe to get beer and chips (fries). İ did not enjoy my beer, so Setuç and another Turkish guy each drank half of it. The chips were better than any American chips though and they were dipped in what İ thought was mayonnaise. So Setuç was all making out with his girlfriend at that cafe which will come into play later in this narrative. So we left there to get me some underwear(s) (heh), due to my still lost luggage, although İ didn`t know that`s where we were going at the time. We got ice cream for the second time too (oh my god Allah Turks eat a lot) Anyway, on the way there, Zeynep explained to me that Setuç and his girlfriend are breaking up because she likes him, but she`s not interested in him because she didn`t go with the four of us when we went from the cafe.. İ didn`t really get it, because like 5 minutes ago they were making out but now the term "breaking up" was being used.  Did she even know?  But also maybe the people explaining it didn`t quite know what they were talking about, since earlier when İ thought Zeynep and Setuç were a couple because they were kissing each other, they told me they were best friends and they had an intelligent "marriage".. no sex, etc.  But, well, if they do know what they`re talking about, well, good.  Anyway enough about that.  İ learned not to put my money in the outer pockets of my backpack because "this is Turkey".  We went to a park, me, Zeynep, Setuç, and İ don`t know his name becuase İ`m horrible with Turkish names.  Setuç taught me some words and we talked about music.  He loves Tool - Schism, apparently.  İt was funny because he would sing the guitar part.  He said it`s the perfect song.  So we all sang songs together.  We also sang Radiohead - Creep and it was hilarious because he sang the high parts exactly like Thom Yorke.  İt`s also funny because of the accents.  The other guy with us was also beautiful and he had chin-length hair.  İ don`t think he spoke a word of English, though.  Then me and Zeynep had to get on the bus to orientation.  Once again, İ love the kisses on the cheek greeting.  Feeling stubble against your face is neat.  İ`m realizing that the Turkish language is so cool.  My mind is going faster than İ can write all this.  İ realize that even if İ had to go home right now after these four days that İ`d already have learned so much.  From the exchanges, the natives, the language, the culture, and just being here.  And to think, İ have about 361 more days.  The whole purpose of youth exchange is to gain understanding and promote cultural learning and İ can honestly say that it`s been done even in 4 days and İ have so much more to do still.  Turkey is perfect.  Trevor said all the interesting people to Turkey.  İt`s true.  İ`m going to miss Zeynep.  She leaves in 6 days for Brazil.  İ only get to stay with this family for 3 more months and İ`m dreading the end because it`s perfect.  So, anyway, yes the Turkish language is so cool.  Everyone here speaks it (har har).  İ dunno, it doesn`t seem like such a random language anymore.  Learning a language is fun.  At the camp most of the inbounds were from Brazil and it was Portuguese all the time.  Trevor is fluent in Spanish (weird) and he can talk to the Brazilians in Spanish and they can answer in Portuguese and it totally works.  On the plane he told me about his Mexican friend who, from his Spanish, mastered Portuguese in like 25 days.  İ need to learn Spanish in senior year (it will be SO easy, with how it will be my 4th language and how during Trevor and the Brazilians` Spanish-Portuguese conversations İ can pick things out because of my French knowledge and prior Spanish knowledge.  Then, from Spanish İ could learn Portuguese SO easily.  İ`ve been thinking about how if İ do a second exchange it would be great to go to Brazil or even a Spanish-speaking country.  Brazil looks so fun and it would be a good and easy language to learn.  The only thing is that İ don`t want to go to Brazil because it`s too obvious.  For God`s sake İ know someone who went on exchange to both Turkey and Brazil.  But it doesn`t seem like anything could compare to Turkey since İ love it here and everything has been perfect.  İ don`t even want to go on exchange to Norway/İceland anymore.  Once again, all the interesting people go to Turkey.  Can you see me flying to Brazil with the type of person who would go there.  İ can`t.  İ see myself flying with one of the most strange and interesting and indescribable people İ`ve ever met and not being able to tell if he`s gay or not.  
Reasons Trevor might be gay:
- He has a somewhat gay voice, although not too over the top
- He has mostly female friends from what İ`ve heard him say
- He moisturizes
- He likes loves to dance
- He`s a good dancer
- He says "damn!" (two syllables)
- He`s a male exchange student
- He wears expensive clothes
- He called me babe
- As Zeynep said, he`s small for his age and for her.
Well maybe İ`ve just answered my own questions.  Oh and İ forgot:
-He talks openly about menstruation.
Well anyway it`s not important but İ`m curious.  We got a new American in too named Virginia from Minnesota.  She`s weird, too, which İ`m noticing İ find two people in the whole world normal.  But İ`ve been hanging out with her quite often which sadly was part of how nationalities somewhat stuck together at the conference.  She`s not to be trusted.  İ can`t tell her about how İ hate Amanda.  İ don`t know why that`s such a strong feeling, by the way.  She actually talked to me today.. which was partly why İ dislike her, because she seems so cold.  But anyway İ find it easier to have deep conversation rather than small talk.  Like when me, Trevor, and Virginia were talking about all our feelings on exchange so far opposed to when Trevor comes over and makes a random comment.  Zeynep did that too.  Then all İ can do is nor or say oh or okay.  Portuguese is so cool.  Trevor says he`s tempted to just buy a Spanish-Portuguese dictionary and start learning that before Turkish becuase it could be done easily.  That even tempts me, too.
Everyone gets really shocked when they find out İ`m 16.  Trevor and Virginia aare both almost 19 and have traveled already so they have more experience with this and stuff.  He went to Japan for a summer and to England.  She went to a 5-week program in Thailand.  İ fefinitely want to learn the language before İ go on a second exchange though if İ do.  İ`ve made remarkable progress in Turkish even though İ still answer no to the question of  "Do you speak Turkish?"  İ can`t wait til İ know so much turkish that İ can`t make another list about all the new words İ`ve learned:
Allahismarladik = Goodbye.  My favorite new word.
Güle Güle = the response to Allahismarladik
And oh god İ can make a few seconds.  My aunt taught me to say summer is very hot and winter is very cold.  İ forgot the word for cold hehe.
Kuruş = coins
Sarı = yellow
Bir = 1
İki = 2
Üç = 3
Dört = 4
Besh = 5
Gunaydin = Good Morning
Şişco = Fat
Teşe.. something = Thank you
İ think it will be okay between Turkish lessons, my family, my family`s friends, TV, school, books İ want to get, etc.  İ hope.
Some upcoming events to look forward to:
- İstanbul/Bodrum with Melike very soon.  Hopefully İstanbul.
- School September 5th
- First exchange tour of 8ish to Cappadocia
- New family mid-late November
- Another conference in January with incoming Australians and more Brazilians and Americans we didn`t meet.
İ have more stuff to say but İ can`t.  <3 Türkiye.
Oh İ also know Turkish:
Ben = İ
Sen = You
O = He/she/it
Pilav = Rice
Billardo = Pool
Ben Stacey = İ`m Stacey
Geet Geet! = Get away