I Hate Myself and I Want to Die

aleadfeather @ 2007-11-30T12:00:00

2007-11-30T18:18:11Z

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not more depressed than I am.

It's really not fair that everyone else gets everything handed to them. I am living in a small town now, going to work, and I have nothing. I have no friends living in the same town as me. The only people living here are either high schoolers waiting to graduate high school and leave the first chance they get or there's the small community college.. filled with pregnant middle-aged women and younger people too retarded to go to a better school. All my friends don't live here and slowly, slowly we are growing apart, and I don't blame them. I have nothing new to talk about, there's nothing to say except to reminisce about the times we once had. We will never live in the same place again. We will never go through new life events together. And I have no chances to make new friends. I can go full days without talking to anyone.

I'm about to apply to a new job. It doesn't make sense because I don't even need money, other than the $50 dollars I need per month to pay my phone bill. Soon I will not even need a phone. If they hire me, they could possibly need me full time, which means I will be stuck indefinitely. The few trips I am able to take to visit friends who have moved away will be gone. I will have no freedom. I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I wish there were actually bad things happening in my life. I wish I was trying to fight a horrible disease, I wish i lived in a war-torn country, I wish some natural disaster would strike my community. Because with all the bad things happening, there would be a way that things could be better. There would be something to hope for.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I cry because I feel guilty. Guilty that I am taking the place of someone who has a life, love, and goals. I think about all the people who are dying of cancer and other diseases, when it should be me. I am the perfect suicide candidate. I don't know of anyone else who could be put in my situation and be able to live through it. There are about maybe 5 people who would seriously be affected if I died. There may be more who would feel sad and would go to my funeral but would soon get over it. There would be nothing to say at my funeral because few people know who I am.

I don't see anything ever picking up from here. I will die like this. Many, many, many miserable years from now. I will live longer than most people. But it doesn't matter.

aleadfeather @ 2007-03-28T21:58:00

2007-03-29T02:58:38Z

Please, time, slow down.

<3 Stacey

aleadfeather @ 2007-03-09T19:36:00

2007-03-10T01:36:35Z

This is a terrific day for you, dear Taurus, and you should find that your relationships - especially with men - go exceptionally well. Your tender and extremely sensitive nature is finally being recognized as the treasure chest that it is. There are many times in which this type of personality is seen as weak, yet today is one of those times in which you're given the full credit that you deserve.

aleadfeather @ 2007-02-03T11:27:00

2007-02-03T17:29:40Z

how much do i hate when my horoscope is right on target.

"Today is one of those days when you may feel lethargic and downbeat, dear Taurus. For some reason, even if you have a driving urge to get up and do something, it seems as if there is a two-ton weight sitting right on top of your head. Meanwhile everyone else is off and running. You're probably better off this way. Learn from other's mistakes when they land flat on their face. Gather information so that you know best how to proceed on your own when the weight has been lifted off. It will soon."

aleadfeather @ 2007-01-11T22:20:00

2007-01-12T04:22:43Z

Four down, one to go.

I love my mom a lot.
It's too bad I'll have to terminate our relationship.

Dear God,

Stop it.

Love, Stacey

aleadfeather @ 2006-12-31T03:06:00

2006-12-31T08:06:04Z

Feel free to interpret this extremely messed up dream I had a few months ago:

I had a baby during school between 2nd and 3rd hour, and conveniently I didn't have to miss class because apparently it took under 5 minutes. And I couldn't think of a name for my baby.. so he just went unnamed.. and I remember being scared thinking it was a Scorpio because this dream happened on the first day of Scorpio, but then it turned out it was born on March 3rd, so a pisces.. and then 10 years later, still unnamed, there was a famine where we lived, so we started eating our neighbors. Then someone else from our town put us both in a cardboard box and told us we would get what we deserved which apparently was being fed alive to starving bulls that had their ribs showing. As we were being lowered down out of our box with our red eyes gleaming, I asked if it was going to be a slow, painful death and was told yes, but then it wasn't. For some reason. I couldn't understand for the life of me why bulls would eat me though, being that I'm a Taurus. And then I woke up.

go out and see that world, bring it home to me

2005-08-09T10:50:10Z

Hmm.. I'm leaving for the airport in less than three hours. Everything that happened in the past 24 hours doesn't seem real. This is my last entry.. I don't know if I'll get a chance to update at all in the next year.

I've been nervous as hell. I haven't not had a knot in my stomach. Well it's 5:40 AM now and Brad just left. Weird. We went to visit Haley about four hours ago.. it doesn't seem like that happened. It was nice though.

I think my Turkishair flight from Istanbul to Ankara got canceled. You were supposed to reconfirm at least 72 hours in advance otherwise they automatically cancel your seat reservations, and I read that important message about 48 hours in advance .. so I called them to reconfirm and they gave me a website.. and I emailed the reconfirmation thing and I received no response. lol.

Another funny thing: my life could have been 30974390478 times easier if my bank card came in the mail yesterday. Now I will have NO MONEY. Or maybe I will, but for a crappy exchange rate.

I wonder when the next time I'll feel completely calm will be.. probably in a few months from now. I'm freaking out. In a few hours I will no longer be able to communicate with anyone, there will be a different language, there will be a different system of measurements, there will be a different time system. Even little things like calling 6 PM "18:00" will be insane.

Maybe I should attempt to sleep. Maybe it's pointless.

It's weird to think that I'm almost an inbound. I wish I wasn't so nervous. This is how I feel when I have to give a presentation or something.. it's not really going to be that bad, but I make it way worse in my head.

Okay. Well. Here I go.

This is.. surreal.

aleadfeather @ 2005-08-04T23:13:00

2005-08-05T05:09:49Z

I was thinking about my sister today and I felt really bad. I don't know how she's going to end up, and it breaks my heart a lot. She's probably the reason I'll never have kids. I was talking to Terry about this today and he was saying if what she's doing continues he can see her doing worse things such as doing drugs, getting pregnant at a young age (sorry Chelsea, I don't mean it like that :p), stealing money from him or my mom, etc. And the thing is my sister is extremely smart, especially for her age. I can see that she's well beyond her age group. We were talking about how she could use her intelligence to manipulate people so easily. Thinking about Lisa manipulating my mom or stealing things from her made me feel particularly horrible. I think my mom is the last person in the world who would deserve that. After my dad died I know she'd do anything for me and my sister. I often stop her from buying things for me because it makes me feel so bad. At Christmas when it was just us three I felt so horrible because my mom was asking if I liked everything she got me because she really tried and she wants to make us happy. I think the fact that my mom remarried lifted such an amazing weight off my shoulders.. it makes me worry about her less. And then I wonder if how my sister is turning out could be somewhat my fault.. all the times when I was younger that I told her I hated her even when of course I didn't mean it or when I made promises I didn't keep. I was mostly an only child when growing up. I think when I was little I was a really good kid; I've gotten along great with my parents my whole life. I've always pretty much been a complete nerd.. so I've never gotten into trouble or anything.

I think I'm too sensitive though. I don't do a lot of things because I always think there will be consequences even if the consequences are as little as feeling my own guilt.. even when it comes to things like hanging out with people. It always makes me feel horrible and guilty and I don't quite know why, so therefore I have few friends. Whenever I'm at someone's house I always feel bad and long to be home. I never spend money on anything because I feel too much guilt. Even when my parents give me money for food or something I feel like I don't deserve it. And of course maybe there's something very wrong with me..

It's funny how my sister and I are such polar opposites. And maybe her situation isn't even as bad as I'm making it out to be.. oh god, I hope not.

This next year is going to be a bitch. I'm soooooo scared for it. I think if I get through it, it will be an amazing accomplishment. But then again I'm scared for all the initial things.. meeting my family, public speaking to my rotary district. But then again I'm scared for all the bad things, forgetting that I'll be surrounded by so many good things.

God where did all this come from?

none of this makes sense

2005-08-04T03:55:58Z

I spent all of today and yesterday watching Gilmore Girls. I love that show. It's fascinating how much Paris looks and talks like Fiona Apple. I also watched Prozac Nation today, which.. eh. I feel it covered about 10% of the whole book. Watching movies when I've already read the book always sucks. The character development is just so poor. They made Elizabeth look like such an utter bitch to emphasize her depression, when really she's so funny and I absolutely love her. It's just like how watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants pissed me off. The book was SO much better.

Anyway. Six days until departure now. I could be going anywhere.. well I had a list or so of about forty countries to choose from. Well I didn't really get to choose it, but rather rank my top choices and then be assigned to it. I feel like Turkey is the perfect place for me though. When I first got my application and I was scanning the country choices it's the one that really stood out to me. I probably never really thought about Turkey in my whole life and it stood out as being really different and a tad controversial. It ended up being my third choice though, and later I realized I really wanted to go there more than my first two. I was going to see if I could call them and change it but I thought eh.. I don't want to be a hassle. So when they called me and told me I got Turkey it really surprized me. Turkey is somewhat like me in that respect though. And I don't want to come up with a bunch of shitty analogies, but in the ways that I described before and that it's in two continents because it's indecisive and how if you get to know it it's really cool.. etc. etc. etc. So that's why I'm not going to France or Japan or Argentina or South Africa or India or Germany or Finland or Australia, etc. etc. etc. I was kind of opposed to going to Western Europe, because the way I see it I can go there any time in my life, and I will. It's not every day you go to Turkey, though.

It's weird how in six days I'll no longer be allowed to brush my teeth without using bottled water or open my mouth in the shower or eat fruit that doesn't have peels and that I didn't peel myself without suffering from severe vomiting and diarrhea for four days. It's hilarious, actually. It's weird that when asked where I'm from, the response will be "the United States" or "America" instead of being "Michigan" or "Iron Mountain." Exchange isn't all I think about though.. it's just really easy for me to talk about.

Sometimes I get really talkative, and I email a bunch of people or leave a bunch of livejournal comments or post a lot or something just because I'm in that mood, but then later on when I get all the replies, it really freaks me out, because by that time I've gone back into my shell. If anyone I meet overseas believes that stereotype that Americans are all really loud and obnoxious, I think they'll change their mind when they meet me. But I realized the other day that I like that about me, how I'm really quiet. And that if I ever faked it enough to where anyone thought I wasn't all quiet I'd be somewhat offended.. I'm glad that I'm not all like "OH MY GOD! *TALK*, *TALK*, *TALK*." Even though it's sometimes inconvenient to be so shy..

Although I decided that I want to get to know some of the other exchange students. Like if I'm sitting next to a fellow Turkish exchanger on the plane I want to start talking to them and not stop, going back to that tactic of asking questions. I have this orientation from the 11th-13th and it's all exchange students. And I don't want it to be like it was here in the United States at the conferences when exchange students would be out talking together and I'd be in my room huddled in the corner reading or something. I want to fit in while still being somewhat quiet.. if that's possible. I was given the itinerary to this orientation and it says on it that we have to introduce ourselves and explain our expectations and I know what I want to say. About how I came with no expectations because I've heard not to carry expectations because it always turns out way different than you expect. That's what I'll say if it's a relaxed situation. I'll have an alternate plan of what to say if it's not so relaxed. I have yet to write that though. See this sucks, though.. It's not cool to plan what you're going to say days in advance..

Ah, well, back to Gilmore Girls.

aleadfeather @ 2005-08-01T00:38:00

2005-08-01T05:53:56Z

I spent all day being sick. I feel how I did that time when I overdosed on vitamins A and E. Only, I haven't overdosed on anything.

I was going to try and set my clock to the Turkish time zone (eight hours ahead) about a week before I left so I wouldn't become jet lag's bitch. That would mean I'd have to go to bed around two or three in the afternoon our time. I don't think that will be happening since I keep going to bed later and later instead of earlier and earlier. I took a nap today so that screwed it up more. Plus, I'd be asleep during the only time my family is here and awake. I'm actually feeling kind of sad about leaving them. My mom is taking off work the day before I depart and the day I depart, of course. I was like "what are we going to do the day before?" and she was like "play scrabble". Okay then...

Eight days left now. And I actually have lots of things to do. I have to finish my slide show, buy gifts for my Turkish family (families?), compose a letter to my Turkish RYE officer, replant my garden that I won't get the chance to fully enjoy, assemble a photo album to show my new family, email my flight itinerary to my host mom, a bunch of other little things, oh and PACK. Packing is going to be so hard. I get to take two suitcases each seventy pounds plus a carry-on. Imagine trying to go through your whole room and figure out what to bring while being quite limited. A bunch of space in my suitcase is being wasted on the gifts and my slide show carousel.

I'm starting to feel quite nervous about meeting my family. I'll be fine though until I'm on the flight from Istanbul to Ankara, where they'll be waiting. I always really enjoy the trip getting somewhere, but I always dread actually arriving there. I'm nervous they won't like me or it will be awkward or that my gifts will be really dorky. We're supposed to bring things about our state and some foods they don't have (ie. jello, maple syrup, jelly bellys, reese's cups, etc). I'm imagining me handing them a Michigan shirt and a box of jello and them being like "uhh, what the crap?", lol. I already feel kind of bad for flying into Ankara, since they stay in Bodrum during the summer which is on the Mediterranean coast and they have to travel up there to meet me. I don't know if I'll be going down there too or what. I have orientation from the 11th-13th and then school will be starting in less than a month.

I'm SO excited for school. It's in French so I have a bit of a head start, opposed to it being in Turkish. I'm just kind of nervous about school back home. Like what credits will transfer and stuff. I better get a French III credit for having every goddamn class in French. Hell, they should give me a French IV credit too, but I want to be in French when I get back. I wonder if doing my whole exchange could count as an independent study or something? Senior year is going to be busy as hell for me. I'm wondering if I'd be able to take summer school or something because of how I'm missing English and US history. And all the classes I'll be in after basically spending three years of high school doing nothing. Also I'll have to take ACTs and SATs. I'm glad I got MEAP tests out of the way. And of course applying to colleges and scholarships. I'm thinking about taking a year off before college though.. or actually repeating grade eleven.

Blah, blah, blah. Boring, boring.

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-30T18:33:00

2005-07-30T23:53:53Z

Oh.

August 9th:
Leave Green Bay 1:42 PM ---> Arrive Detroit 3:58 PM - 228 miles
Leave Detroit 7:10 PM ---> Arrive Amsterdam 9:05 AM - 3940 miles

August 10th:
Leave Amsterdam 10:00 AM ---> Arrive Istanbul 2:20 PM - 1376 miles
Leave Istanbul 5:00 PM ---> Arrive Ankara 6:00 PM - 228 miles

.

I don't know if that takes into account the time zone changes. And notice how I only get an hour to dick around in Amsterdam, lol, and it won't even be that because you obviously have to get on the plane before it departs... This is SO exciting though; I love flying. It's pretty crazy to think that I'll be in the Netherlands by myself and then in Istanbul by myself, but it's GOT to have someone who speaks English. And I don't think it would come to it but if there's no English perhaps I could get by using French. At least there will be people waiting for me in Ankara though. I talked to my Turkish sister the other day. She's really really cute and not even that intimidating to talk to. Oh and if I don't get a window seat I'm going to kill someone. I'll probably end up with the window seat I want, only it will be the fucking wing seat. August 9th. 10 days.

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-24T21:50:00

2005-07-25T02:54:28Z

Bombings in Istanbul. More bombs on an Aegean beach.

They're blaming the Kurdish and I'll be even closer to them than Istanbul.

Someone going to the Philippines had to change to Thailand because of the bomb in Manila.

Please please please please please please please please don't make me change countries. I don't even care if it's unsafe.

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-23T16:46:00

2005-07-23T21:47:35Z

I don't mean to sound like a girl, but yesterday I bought the most beautiful shoes I've ever seen in my life.

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-22T22:47:00

2005-07-23T03:52:26Z

I think about the days that Stacey and Lisa were born, our wedding, the girls first steps, first days in school. (Going for walks on hughitt st. me and Donna pushing a stroller)
Seems I was always out looking for different things to do. Now I realize I've had it right here in my home.

saddest thing i have ever read. reminds me of me so much.

shaking.

certainly didn't expect this

2005-07-19T08:13:01Z

Holy shit!

Sloppy First.

Second Helpings.

CHARMED THIRDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

April 11th, 2006.

Which means August 2006 for me, but still, .

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-18T05:41:00

2005-07-18T11:35:19Z

Oops.. it's light out. That means I stayed up all night. But I haven't been online in about ten days. I was trying to find an internet cafe in the Bahamas but none of them were in walking distance, or I didn't actually go that far.

It's weird how when you stay up late you laugh at everything. Such as, I read where Chelsea said her biggest social fear would be throwing up in public and I burst out laughing. Stupid things like that. And I keep seeing other "hilarious" things and emailing them to Haley, because she laughs at stupid things too.

So about the cruise. It was cool, I guess. My favorite day was the one we spent in St. Maarten, Netherland Antilles. It's such a cool place. I went with my four cousins to this giant obstacle course thing. We took a bus there and it was about a thirty-five minute ride and the driver gave us a tour and it was really cool. I think I was technically in the Netherlands and France. The island is sixteen miles Dutch property, and twenty-one miles French. I thought it was interesting that the bus driver said if you call down the street to the French side and you're on the Dutch side it's an international call, but if you call across the ocean to the Netherlands it's considered a local call. The obstacle course was quite physically challenging. Then we all went to the beach. They had a nude beach that I wanted to go to but the regular beach was closer. I might also add that I still remain my beautiful pale color. I got no sun at all. Also, I must have been asked at least ten times by the natives there to get my hair braided, which was kind of annoying.

The reason I didn't like the other places, Puerto Rico and the Bahamas, as much was because they were giant tourist traps. All I saw in San Juan, Puerto Rico was store after store containing all the same crap. That's probably because I was stuck with my immediate family and they're irritating. I actually wanted to go to the San Juan cemetary which was shown as an attraction on our little map to see if Ponce de Leon was there (I doubt it). It sounded more fun than looking at five thousand wooden parrots that said Puerto Rico on them. I hate shopping. The Bahamas was kind of the same way. We went to the straw market, which consisted of a large crowded hut that smelled of b.o. where everyone comes up to you and says "What can I sell you, pretty girl?" I did actually go snorkeling in the Bahamas the next day though, which was cool, but all the attractions and everything along the water were resorts of rich Americans. Who the fuck cares. I guess as a "tourist" I'm really just interested in experiencing the culture. St. Thomas was canceled because Hurricane Emily was stalking us. Even flying down into Florida was hard because of the hurricanes and what not.

It's actually weird how sad I was to leave. Although it is nice being able to walk to my room without having our obnoxious Trinidadian room cleaner hit on me. He told me all the love in the world couldn't take me away from him or something. I fell in love with three people though. Our waiter, Rupesh from India. He's thirty-nine and he's quiet. But he would yell or something and then I'd look at him and he'd pretend he was being quiet the whole time. Yeah, so I'm clearly attracted to the oddest things. And this Italian waiter was also a laser beam of beauty. He had two different pairs of glasses and it amused me thoroughly to see what ones he was wearing at different occasions. That's another thing I liked about the cruise, there were about one thousand workers there and they were all from foreign countries. I saw the two Turkish workers speaking in Turkish and this is a good summary of what I looked like ---> . So anyway, it was fun being on the cruise. Eating our formal pre-paid dinners every night was my favorite part. Also, going to the shows afterward. I don't know if I'd go on a cruise again. Perhaps under different circumstances. I had a lot of alone time, despite having gone with a group of forty people. I'd like to have had just one friend to talk to. I can still feel the boat moving.

It was cool coming home to two letters from my Turkish family. I have a mom and a dad and a sister. My other sister Zeynep (that sounds like an anti-depressent medication) is going on exchange to Brasil in August so I might not get to see her at all. I kind of wish my family was bigger, and I had older siblings, but it sounds like my sister is very eager to take me places and stuff. She's not too far from my age anyway. I wish I had a brother too, so I could do him, or at least want to do him. That sentence would probably be disturbing under any other circumstances. I hope my family doesn't expect me to fill the void of their daughter. I've heard of host families who have expected that. But also, I might get the opportunity to change families part way through the year. My mother Selma told me she made all my school arrangements. School starts on September fifth. I wonder if Melike will be in my grade?? I'm excited. She doesn't even sound too intimidating, or maybe it's just because her English is so bad that she seems easy to talk to. I might even add her to my msn but I'm scared.

The Rotary conference in Grand Rapids was nothing special. It was stressful, but at least I don't have to see any of those people again. We stayed at a college campus, and it was stupid. I couldn't tell any of the buildings apart so I had to follow people around if I wanted to go and get food or anything. I skipped a lot of meals because their seating arrangements were poor. I hung out with Lydia and Maren but I started ending up feeling like I was a creepy person just following them around. I didn't feel that way at the last conference around Lydia. It was how I was during the first two conferences. Not talking to anyone and hiding in my room all by myself. But like I said, I won't have to see any of them ever again so I didn't worry about it too much. I met some people who are going to Turkey who are from Illinois and stuff. This one girl is also going to Ankara. I bet we will sit by each other on the flight over. I hate her because her hair is longer than mine. I bet we would end up being friends though. This other girl is going to Istanbul and I talked to her for a few minutes and in those few minutes we discovered we both like Radiohead and the Smashing Pumpkins because she made a comment about my email address. At the conference we had to go into country breakout sessions. They were all in different rooms of different buildings, so considering that I couldn't even find my way to my dorm, I was completely lost trying to find a random building. I was wandering around hoping someone would approach me when finally someone did. I was wearing my Turkey flag shirt so a Turk approached me. I used Lydia's tactic while he was talking to me. See, Lydia asks people tons and tons of questions. She must be like a giant fucking information bank. So anyway, I used her tactic and asked him where he was from to keep the conversation going! Isn't that impressive? I was impressed. I realize I am making no sense. But yeah so because of my "really cool" conversational skills I was able to find the room with him. Everyone in there was speaking Turkish and it made me really excited. I got to leave the conference early for the cruise which is good, but I was actually sad about missing the Brasil against the rest of the world soccer game. Oh and technically I should be deaf because I sat next to the Brasilians during a few of the ceremonies. It's weird how many Portuguese songs I know now know.

I feel like shit because of the plane rides today. Here's a tip: don't go on a plane with fucked up sinuses. Because of the pressure, my ears were getting fucked up and stuff but they couldn't pop because of my sinuses, so therefore I had the worst headache ever. I was actually crying from it. Oh yeah, that's another thing. I got a cold whilst on a Caribbean cruise. It's actually from all the fucking air conditioning though. I was freezing for most of the cruise. Except when I stepped off the boat and was miserably hot. Even when the doors of the Miami airport opened I was like "HOLY FUCK." The Scandanavian in me was being attacked by the ridiculously high temperatures.

Enough fucking rambling. Jesus.

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-18T01:59:00

2005-07-18T07:02:58Z

Holy crap, I love this!!!!!!!

"hi my sister!!!

dear stacey,
I am sorry for i didn't write an e-mail for you... I didn't write because we didn't know your e-mail. I know you wrote an e-mail but my mother not use her e-mail adresse usually. I am so excited for your coming. I am the little girl in family. The all yaer you will be me my sister. that's unimaginable I will have two sister =)) i saw your foto you are so beautiful an so cute... it's will be very entertaining i promise i am thinking about travel. Do you want to travel with me? we can go Istanbul (for the museums, unimaginable mosques and have fun of course), Izmir, Efes (archaic city) we can do what do you want... Before the beginning school of course :))
Anyway my name is Melike. I am 15 years old. I was born in Ankara. I'm in Ankara in winter but in the summer never (i done a rhyme) my father operate an hotel in Bodrum. Bodrum is most beautiful
place in the Turkey. Okey that's sufficient.
(i am sorry for my horrible english)
note: i can speak french if you don't understand my horrible english you can tell me
And have you got msn messenger? we can talk in there

Kisses my new sister,
Melike"

By the way, what the hell is up with her saying I'm beautiful and cute, lol. She is either lying or insane. And Helen told me Turks are very honest (for example tons of them went up to her and told her she was fat, etc), so I guess "Melike" is just insane!

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-06T09:05:00

2005-07-06T14:20:22Z

I won't be back until the seventeenth. I leave tomorrow morning to Grand Rapids for my last exchange student conference (well, until Turkey). Then after three days I get on a plane from Grand Rapids to Chicago, meet my family there, then go from Chicago to Miami. Then this is where I'll be from there:

Yeah, I know, who the hell goes to the Caribbean in July? Me, my mom, my stepdad, my sister, my aunt, my uncle, my cousin, my cousin, my cousin, my cousin, and a bunch of their friends. That's who. The only thing worse I suppose would be going in August.

I can't help but feel extremely nervous and feel like I have tons of things to do, but really I have no reason to be nervous. My only tasks today are to shower and put all my stuff into the suitcase.

I've been thinking about going on a second exchange. I know, I haven't even gone on my first. I could go after I graduate. I really enjoy the concept of taking a year off between high school and college, and I'd love to go to Iceland or Greenland, what a great contrast with Turkey. Or if anything else I'd finally meet the age requirement and have the three years of French to go to France... Or since I want to be in Spanish senior year I could do something with that...

You know what I would really enjoy? If my ipod worked. That would be quite swell.

Oh, and Terry's in the hospital, ugh.

aleadfeather @ 2005-07-01T14:56:00

2005-07-01T19:59:05Z

hehe, my cousin doesn't know I read her journal. look at the nice things she said about me:
"now i gotta pack some more for damn old michigan!! gzz go home! uhh my 15 or 16 year old cousin is going and we arn't on the same page at all...but we both like family guy. i wish kelly was going so i would actually have fun.
ill be back in 5 days atleats ..and then leave 4 days later for my cruise!!!!! too bad my cousin will be there too and im in a room with her and she's the only would i would be hanging out wiht"

so that basically expresses my next four days and my miserable fucking cruise. and what the FUCK is that all about.. i'm sharing a fucking room with her???? :(

aleadfeather @ 2005-06-24T19:24:00

2005-06-25T01:02:18Z

I got some more Turkey information. This time it was overwhelming. I finally got the vision of "this is actually real." So as I said I will be in Ankara, Turkey which is in Asia (a small portion of Turkey is considered Europe). It's the capital. Helen was in Istanbul and she told me to pray I get into Ankara. Izmir is pretty small so apparantly there wasn't much chance of me gong there. It was really close to Greece though so that could have been cool. Istanbul is apparently one of the coolest places in the world but their district doesn't allow much traveling to other countries so that's why I was supposed to pray for Ankara. I'm sure I'll get around to going to Istanbul sometime anyway. The only bad things about Ankara are that it's not as cool as Istanbul and it's kind of in the center of Turkey which means it's further away from everything and it will have more snow. My school is called Tevfik Filiret High School. That might not be the exact name because it's hand-written and photocopied so I can't really tell. It starts on September ninth. I get to wear a uniform!!! I'm supposed to arrive in Turkey no later than August tenth because I have orientation from the eleventh to the thirteenth. Addresses of my house and school are in Turkish, it's so crazy looking. I get to go on three Turkey tours. Cappadoccia Tour is three days. Western Anatolia Tour is ten days. North Coast Tour is five days. I seriously hate myself for having my host family's email address and not being able to bring myself to talk to them.

But that's not entirely on my mind. Something is wrong with me. As time goes by I become more and more sheltered. I barely talk to anyone. I have one friend. That's it. I don't even go on MSN or anything anymore because half of the already small amount of people on my list are blocked. The remaining few are two of my emails, some people who don't go online, and the rest I have no interest in talking to. I'm so controlled by this person it's ridiculous. I remember in eighth grade when I'd have up to ten msn conversations going at a time and I just talked to everyone. My MSN list contained the maximum amount of people it could contain. Now I have.. what? fourteen? You know what probably the worst feeling is? Not being able to cry. You're at the point before tears would normally be present but you can't proceed. It feels way better to cry. And I don't even know why I am not able to. Perhaps I wasted the ability to last year when I cried up to five times a day. Also, I've lost interest in anything I was ever interested in. And when I think of the future I display the utmost disregard. I honestly don't give a fuck what college I go to. You know, as long as it's far away. I don't want to get a job anyway. Brad and I were lounging in the chairs in Elder Beerman and I realized something. I was talking about how everyone wants to be a goddam physical therapist or some other shit job. I talked about how I don't even want to make any money because I don't even want to have anything. He said he wants to make at least $100,000 and if it comes from a shit job it doesn't even matter. I said that made me physically sick and he asked if I could make millions at a job I hated or basically nothing from a job I liked and it's obvious that I chose making next to nothing. He said I'll be mooching off of anyone I'd ever marry. Ouch. And I don't mean to sound like a goddam motherfucking cunt when I say this but I thought to myself just then, "That's basically everything I believe in." What's the point of even living. And about him.. I can't even say everything that I want to say.

Incidentally I purchased in ipod yesterday. I'm awaiting its arrival to my mailbox. It was awful purchasing it though. I fucking hate salespeople which plays a major part in how I detest shopping altogether. My mom made me talk to all the salespeople. Terry wasn't there so it sucked. So some salespersom was all "can I help you" and then I responded with an exceedingly clever "uh... uh... uh... um... ipod." He pointed me in the direction and I was forced to have similar miserable conversations with another salesperson. My mom kept asking stupid questions like "DO YOU HAVE TO GET ALL THE SONGS FROM THE COMPUTER@#!@#!@" and "DO THEY ONLY COME IN WHITE@@!#!". Like I said I wish Terry would have been there. He's intelligent. I didn't get anything else in Green Bay though. The whole point of going there in the first place was to get clothes for the cruise. My grandma gave me $100 to get clothes and I had $40 in gift cards to spend. Fuck I hate shopping so fucking much. So yeah my mom bitched at me a lot for not liking and ultimately not purchasing any clothes. I actually made an effort in one store and tried on a few things but everything made me want to stab myself in the face. Plus the salesperson there was an evil fucking hag. So yeah, every five seconds my mom keeps telling me how stupid I'm going to look on the cruise, nice huh?

aleadfeather @ 2005-06-22T15:13:00

2005-06-22T20:16:44Z

ANKARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my first host family is someone named "Selma Dogruel". I don't know if that implies that I'm only staying with her (or him?) or if she has a family or anything??? I hope it's not one person.. actually I don't. They gave me her email address but I don't think I'll talk to them.. they might not even speak English.

lying is funny

2005-06-15T05:46:32Z

-If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward would remember nothing of the experience would you do so? If not, why not? - No. What's the point of experiencing such happiness if you can't grow from it as a person and if you don't have the memories

-Would you rather be a member of a world championship sports team or be the champion of an individual sport? -I'm kind of shy and non-assertive, so maybe the team.

-Which sport would you choose? - I don't know... ice skating.

-Would you accept $1,000,000 to leave the country and never set foot in it again? -This question really shocks me. How that's how much money some people would have to be paid to leave their comfort zones. I think as an exchange student I have different insight on this. I'm paying to leave the country for an entire year. When I become part of the "working class" my permanent residency will probably not be in my birth country, the country I am in now. It makes it sound like living somewhere else is such a horrible thing. I've heard that if everyone went on an exchange there would be world peace because "friends don't kill friends".

-You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the word "good-bye". People would die a natural death and no one would suspect you. Are there any situations in which you would use this power? - It would be nice to take out worthless people every once in a while, suburbian soccer moms, for example, but I'd probably get too crazy with that power and it would end up not being a good thing.

-If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or the mind of a 30 year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? - Probably the body. There's not necessarily anything wrong with the mind of a ninety year old. My great aunt is ninety-four and she's brilliant. But then again the aging body is arguable a worthwhile experience. I might want to live in that culture of people who treat old people better than young people. I can't remember who that is, we learned it in sociology, I want to say it's the people of Uzbekistan? You know what, I probably would want to retain either the mind or body of a thirty year old because I'm sure I'll have a dynamically different outlook when I'm ninety.

-Would you be willing to become extremely ugly physically if it meant you would live for 1,000 years at any physical age you chose? - I already view myself as being extremely physically ugly, and I can't see myself living past twenty-seven.

-If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be? - Heightened intelligence. Maybe. Reading minds would probably make things extra miserable after a while. You'd know every single time someone was lying to you, etc. Maybe I'd like to fly. That would be fun.

-You have the chance to meet someone with whom you can have the most satisfying love imaginable-the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in six months the person will die. Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love? - It sounds selfish, but I don't think I could live with that. Plus if someone was going to die in six months it would probably mean that they had some sort of disease in which they couldn't perform sexually anyway. Or I could just allow myself to love them and we could kill ourselves together so I wouldn't have to live without them.

-What if you knew your lover would not die, but instead would betray you? - How could I have "the most satisfying love imaginable" in the first place with someone who would betray me? No.

-Do you prefer being around men or women? - Probably men.

-Do your closest friends tend to be men or women? - My current closest friend and my previous closest friend were both males, so probably men.

-While on a trip to another city, your spouse (or lover) meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it? I always want my significant other to know that they're allowed to sleep with other people if they want to. And since I want my significant other and I to be able to tell each other everything, sure I'd want to know about it.

-If rolls were reversed, would you reveal what you had done? - I don't think I'd do that in the first place. I want a lover who doesn't make me long for anyone else. But I guess if it happened, like I said, I would tell them everything.

-For an all-expense-paid, one-week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings? - Hell no. That just sounds so unimaginably cruel, and I'm too frightened of butterflies to be able to get near them and touch them and such.

-What about stepping on a cockroach? - This will make me a hypocrite, but it doesn't seem that cruel to me to do that. Maybe because their death would hopefully be instant. But I don't think I'd let anyone give me goods or services for killing anything.

-If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do? - Spread the word, organize large groups of people ending themselves together and peacefully.

fun!

2005-06-13T06:07:51Z

I like going to fun exchange student camping conferences. And not being here and being "me".

I think it turned out okay. I was challenging myself to be very social and I think it may have worked out. I'm proud. At the past conferences my parents (and I actually use that term loosely) attended and I didn't get to meet anyone because I clung to them because apparently I'm three years old. I suppose I made a friend this weekend, Lydia (going to Mexico). She's antisocial and hates the conferences like me, but she's better at hiding it. I talked to other people too. On Friday we got this cool four course meal. Everyone got a list of the twenty different foods and we had to rearrange them on our order sheet, five for each course. The foods were all ridiculous things like "vegas gold", "lover's lane", and "the holy ghost", etc. The idea was that when we're all in our foreign countries we won't know what foods are, and it will be rude not to try everything.

There were three cabins of girls and one cabin of boys. I think it's so amazing how our main conversation is about what countries we're going to, how our exchanges will be, etc. It's really nice to actually have that to talk about with people. Our cabin represented Turkey, Australia, Mexico, South Africa, Germany, Sweden, Brazil, Thailand, Venezuela, Italy, and Taiwan.

This really annoying self-absorbed asshole motivational speaker worked with us for two days. He says he hasn't had a bad day since July 17th, 1989. I guess no one really liked him. We did team building exercises that were actually pretty fun. On Saturday, for example, our team of thirty-two was on one side of a line, and we had to swing across on the rope to get to the approximately 4 x 4 space. ALL thirty-two of us had to fit on the small space, and surprizingly it worked. While in the small space I had both my arms around people holding onto them, a girl's head was stuck resting on my breasts, I was like spooning someone, I was holding some people's hands, and some person was under me holding onto around my legs. As I stood there trying not to breathe on people and get my hair in their mouths I thought to myself, "This is probably the closest to sexual contact I will have in a long time". Haha. Not everyone was confident enough in themselves to get across on the rope. If they fell the whole team had to go back. So those people, including myself, climbed onto this one guy's hips so we could get higher up onto the rope. It's pretty odd standing on someone who's on all four's. Well it's probably weird standing on anyone in general. He's hot too.

So yeah those are the kinds of games we did with him. They were fun. But one caused me a lot of anxiety, but it ended up okay. We were all in a circle, and I was sitting next to the motivational speaker. We had to go into the middle of the circle and say our name and say one leisure activity we enjoy and express it with an action and also the most adventurous thing we ever did expressed with an action as well. So since I was sitting next to him I had to go first. It was something like "I'm Stacey... And I like to ... uh ... uh ... ... ... ... watch movies," upon which I performed my action. And then I was like "And the most adventurous thing I ever did was ... uh ... uh ... uh ... uh .... hmm ... ... i don't know ... ..." And then someone was like "Stay out past ten o'clock!" So I became Stacey who likes watching movies and stays out past ten o'clock. I felt bad that I wasn't able to think of something adventurous. I still can't think of anything. I guess it would have been applying to this program in general. I've come so far socially it's almost obscene. And I'm still really inverted. As an example of me coming far socially, I'm thinking of doing these types of activities in school and how I'd be okay participating. These types of things are things that once made me cry. So then I was thinking I was really excited to go to school and do the "get to know each other" activities. But then I was like HAHAH shit I'll be in Turkey!!! I have this idea that once I get back from Turkey I'll be able to do anything. I mean, if I can get through that then what shouldn't I be able to do? Apparantly that's what people think who look at our resume's too. Being an exchange student is very impressive-looking.

Our group is so great though with all these activities. Before we did anything, everyone got in a circle and we strategized. I realized if we did some of these team activities with say, one of my classes in school, there wouldn't have been nearly as much success. If anyone messed up, everyone made them feel okay. Everyone there is so nice and amazing, it's just marvelous. The instructors tell us exchange students are a special elite group. And when we come back we get all the elite jobs in the country. Not that I give a shit, but that's pretty cool.

During free time I went canoeing with Lydia and Maggie (going to Taiwan). Doesn't that just sound so cute? I thing that smilie is absolutely necessary for that sentence. Lydia, Maren (going to Malaysia), and I tried to set up a sailboat but we couldn't figure it out. Later there was a bonfire that me and Lydia went to for a bit. Then she asked if I wanted to walk over to the dock. That sounded lesbianish but it was fun. Well not that lesbianish things could not be fun. So we just sat there and talked about Mexico and Turkey and some other things for a while, until some people came over to swim. Later Lydia and I went back to the dock with Melissa (going to Australia) and we just laid on our backs and looked at the stars. We saw the little dipper and some thing we decided must have been a satellite. I remember thinking to myself "God, when the fuck is the last time I actually even saw a star?" and there I was laying in my back seeing tons of them. It also kept lightninging and thundering in the distance and we were waiting for another freak storm to start up. It was almost lights out and Lydia and I climbed up onto Anna's (going to Brazil) top bunk. Across us on another top bunk was Melissa, Abby (going to Venezuela), and Katie (Italy). Later Shelby (Sweden) and Rosie (Argentina) joined also. We were just talking about random things, not even about our countries any more. Anna was telling us about her teacher with tourette's syndrome and post-vietnam trauma and it was seriously one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I don't think anyone else would find the stories funny if I repeated them. He does things like videotape the trick or treaters who go to his house and shows the videos to his class where he's saying things like "hey girls" and he flies his airplane to school and he videotaped the swim class's fat people in bathing suits and put them in an obesity documentary and someone slammed their books down and he got on the floor screaming (post-war trauma). And he yells "MARIJUANA" and then says things like "see I got all you little pot-smoker's attention". Like I said, no one else will find this funny. Anna's just so cute and got so into the stories she was telling us. I was laughing so hard. However, I wasn't a big main character in this conversation, but at least I was participating. At the last conferences I went to bed like right after dinner got out so I wouldn't have to be seen by anyone during free time.

We got ambassador packs and everything is so cute. We got rotary youth exchange backpacks with a bunch of stuff in them. We were all walking around with our backpacks on and someone made a comment about what big dorks we are. We all got shirts with our country flag and our name and all the flags and names on the back, waterbottles with flags, a few slides for our slideshows, a culture gram of our country, some pins for our rotary blazers, rotary youth exchange bumper stickers to put on our luggage (apparantly that makes the airline people treat them with more care, isn't that ridiclous. it's the same with wearing our rotary blazers to the airport. i have the advantage but that kind of unfairness sickens me), an adorable little survival kit in the most adorable mini backpack, and I think that's all. Then today a few people were waiting for rides and someone asked me where I was going. When I said Turkey some people gasped. JoJo and Laura (Norway) said I would fit right in. They said because of the hair. I guess they were referring to the length since my hair color has like random natural blonde parts to it. Laura really complimented me by saying I'd fit in because I'm so reserved and respectful. I suppose that was referencing to how I'm pretty quiet and I dress modestly. I don't wear shorts or tank tops or anything. But yeah, that really complimented me, and above all, I AM SO FUCKING PUMPED TO GO TO TURKEY!!!!!! Yes, I just said the word pumped. Finally I was the only one left but JoJo (Thailand) who had a car was waiting for everyone to leave. She had someone take a picture of us in front of our cabin before they left. It baffles me how someone can be so friendly and amazing. She was like "I can't believe I didn't get to spend much time with you!" and we just sat there talking about various things for a while while I was waiting to get picked up. I really liked this one thing she said. She was telling me how Thai is becoming increasingly important in business and such. She wants to go into international business studies. She said she doesn't want this exchange to be something she just talks about. She wants to do stuff with it. I really love that outlook. God I wish I could make friends as easily as her. If there was one major thing I could change about myself I think that's what I'd do.

Exchange students have such a special bond. I really got to know a lot of people this weekend. No one else is going to understand everything. They told us when we get back we'll have changed so much and the only friends we'll be able to have are our exchange friends. "Normal" people will ask about our exchange but they won't really be interested in hearing any stories, which is pretty sad. Bring on the Turkey!!!

Another thing: school is out. It hasn't hit yet since I haven't gotten to spend a few days in a row lounging around yet. On friday I did my last final. I had to give a speech for commskills. I had perfect timing, my content was good, I made eye contact practically the whole time, and my essay was really good. She gave me a 52/60 and I will never ever know why. God she is one absolute crazy bitch. It's weird to think I won't set foot in that school for over a year - about 14 months. Actually come to think of it I might have to go there to finalize things for Turkey.

I think this is a turning point.

Long post. I will feel bad if no one reads the whole thing. And what the hell's up with me being so optimistic?

aleadfeather @ 2005-06-08T21:42:00

2005-06-09T02:51:45Z

Well today was awful. Although I did get an A on my French final, no surprize there though.
School is out on Friday and then I have to go to "Manitowish Waters" for a camping conference type thing with all the outbound exchange students. I am very very surprizingly looking forward to it actually. I just really really wish I would be social. There is like one other person there who I've had a conversation with. I hope I can not be too awkward. Just one thing is for sure: I'm going to be faking participation/happiness the whole time. I'm not going to sit by myself and look antisocial as we will be being evaluated for any major problems that would interfere with our exchanges (shyness being a major problem). I'm going to disguise myself by sitting in a big group of people. And I'm going to pretend to participate in all the campish activities, which I hate by the way. I hate being outside so much.. but if you know me then you probably already know that. I don't know why I'm looking forward to it so much. Maybe because for about 41-42 hours (and believe me I will be counting down by the minute) I won't be immersed in any assholes for a change. People there are nice. I just have to find some way to fit in.
Then, after I get home on Sunday I will be able to spend each and every day in my pajamas lounging around my house sleeping and being unshowered, as I will finally have no obligations. I have to give a goddam speech on Friday that I didn't even start yet. Why am I stressing so much? I'm brilliant at speeches. Oh I just remembered I have to read "The Exchange Student's Survival Kit" or something for the conference too. God.
I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow at all. The three hours before finals is absolutely ridiculous. If they cut those out we could be done with finals in two days and I'd have spent about nine less hours sitting on the floor in the hallway by myself thinking about how I will one day be marinating in my own shit and piss. Anyway...
Oh, another thing. I am thinking about maybe switching schools when I get back from Turkey. It's too bad every other school within reasonable reach has an even shittier curriculum than ours does.

aleadfeather @ 2005-05-31T23:39:00

2005-06-01T04:53:14Z

School is ending. That actually totally depresses me. I was just thinking how we will never grade any more papers in world history, and it made me unbelievably really sad. That was my favorite class ever. I want to tell Mr. Cross that he was the best teacher I ever had. And today was my last French vocab test, and tomorrow will be my last SSR. We're not doing anything in any of my classes anymore. Everything is coming to an end. I guess it also totally depresses me because it's getting closer and closer to time for me to leave for Turkey. Granted I am very very excited to go there, the other day I realized how soon I will be leaving and it really scared me. I seriously committed to this endeavor about last October and it always seemed so far away and like I'd never reach it. I kind of can't believe that it's real. I bet I'm going to hate my senior year more than anything. I'll just have experienced living in a completely different culture, and then I will come back to the same old shit. It will seem like such a waste of time. And also, a lot of people will be gone.. juniors. Oh god, there will be three grades below me. I'm going to hate senior year so much. Or maybe I can stop being so negative and view it as year to reflect.. bullshit bullshit. I can't believe this year is almost over. I'd say it was my least fun year, but as the years pass I think that I'm in the best year ever.. just because of how I have changed so much. God, my ramblings are so incoherent.

I was just sitting there listening to a cd by my favorite band of all time, the first cd I ever owned and really loved, and I was remembering back to when I first got it, and it made me feel overwhelmed by how much... knowledge there is. How many things I could know at any one point in time. As in... I could be feeling so many different things right now. I could be in a different country, I could be in a different time in my life, I could be around different people, I could be thinking about or discussing a million different things, and all of these factors would make me feel something totally different. But I was sitting there and listening to Smashing Pumpkins - Real Love and it made me feel how I felt the first time I listened to any of those songs, when I could be thinking of billions and billions of other things. I don't know how this makes me feel... overwhelmed definitely, sad maybe? It makes me never want my life to change. I can't even explain this.

Well I came online to see if someone was online. He's not, and it probably doesn't matter anyway. But I want to talk to him.