Current mood:

sad

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not more depressed than I am.

It's really not fair that everyone else gets everything handed to them.  I am living in a small town now, going to work, and I have nothing.  I have no friends living in the same town as me.  The only people living here are either high schoolers waiting to graduate high school and leave the first chance they get or there's the small community college.. filled with pregnant middle-aged women and younger people too retarded to go to a better school.  All my friends don't live here and slowly, slowly we are growing apart, and I don't blame them.  I have nothing new to talk about, there's nothing to say except to reminisce about the times we once had.  We will never live in the same place again.  We will never go through new life events together.  And I have no chances to make new friends.  I can go full days without talking to anyone.

I'm about to apply to a new job.  It doesn't make sense because I don't even need money, other than the $50 dollars I need per month to pay my phone bill.  Soon I will not even need a phone.  If they hire me, they could possibly need me full time, which means I will be stuck indefinitely.  The few trips I am able to take to visit friends who have moved away will be gone.  I will have no freedom.  I don't know why I am doing this to myself.  I wish there were actually bad things happening in my life.  I wish I was trying to fight a horrible disease, I wish i lived in a war-torn country, I wish some natural disaster would strike my community.  Because with all the bad things happening, there would be a way that things could be better.  There would be something to hope for.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I cry because I feel guilty.  Guilty that I am taking the place of someone who has a life, love, and goals.  I think about all the people who are dying of cancer and other diseases, when it should be me.  I am the perfect suicide candidate.  I don't know of anyone else who could be put in my situation and be able to live through it.  There are about maybe 5 people who would seriously be affected if I died.  There may be more who would feel sad and would go to my funeral but would soon get over it.  There would be nothing to say at my funeral because few people know who I am.

I don't see anything ever picking up from here.  I will die like this.  Many, many, many miserable years from now.  I will live longer than most people.  But it doesn't matter.