stacey. (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} aleadfeather) wrote,@ 2005-09-06 03:52:00 |
|
Day 28
So yes we went to Bodrum. İt sucked. Probably the most boring almost 3 weeks of my life. İ was about to say in the last entry that İ didn`t want to go. İ knew it was going to be horrible. İf you think about it though İ had no one to talk to, couldn`t watch TV, couldn`t go on the computer for more than 5 minutes at a time because my sister hogged it. But what really drove me crazy was that İ couldn`t listen to music or read English words. The highlights of my days were meal times which also caused stress. So between meal times 90% of the time İ was laying down somewhere and always wishing the time would pass. Oh and if we went into town to buy groceries that was a real treat. After Zeynep and Mehmet left it was kind of like okay.. now what. İ miss Zeynep. She`s kind of like my shepherd and she has the best English. İ wish she wasn`t going to Brazil. And it`s in one week. Although İ get very mixed signals form everyone and İ can`t read anyone. At all. Especially Melike. İ don`t know what to think about her. İ can`t tell if she likes me. İ go from thinking she hates me to thinking she loves me. The same goes for Zeynep but İ only think she doesn`t like me for 2 reasons. Melike said something extremely bitchy to me in Bodrum and İ`m not going to write it here because if İ forget what it was it will be more than okay, but it will probably keep replaying in my mind. Her and Zeynep get in fights sometimes.. a lot actually. So İ wonder if what Melike said just means that İ`m accepted. İ wish we could be friends. İ can`t help but think İ let everyone down by being a shitty exchange student who won`t even talk to her host family. But İ can`t. Bodrum wasn`t all that bad. Well actually it was but some things we did were go to the aquapark, go horseback riding, see the Cuban band play. İ remember when we were at the bar and Zeynep, Melike, and İ were talking. Well actually mostly just Zeynep was talking. And then we went for a walk and it was weird to be hanging out with Mehmet. Then Zeynep and İ talked for a while and she said "İ don`t know your feelines" and İ realized no one knows my feelings. İ want to be able to open up and talk to my family. Terry said İ`m quiet but when İ get to know someone İ open up. So Zeynep also told me about how her father was in jail in 1980 for rebelling against the Turkish government, etc. İ think there`s so many interesting things like that that they could tell me if İ just let them. Then melike joined and we went and sat closer to the water and got into this political discussion in which very few of my thoughts were shared. İt was interesting though. The return date from Bodrum kept getting pushed back and it drove me closer and closer to the edge. Because İ was counting down the hours. And it`s depressing when you have to add hours. İ guess my whole exchange so far has been defined by mood swings. İf you read this journal up to here you can see this. And İ`m quite down-trodden right now. My "first day of school" was crazy. When İ found out we`d be coming back to Ankara on the first day of school İ was so enraged. How my family has the ability to control this. How it`s been almost a month and İ haven`t spend more than two days in a row in my bed in Ankara. So we arrived at six in the morning. İt was freezing and we took a taksi and when we got here the electricity was out and my dresser was missing from my room. Weird. İ was trying on some of Melike`s school uniforms and İ thought it was odd how no one else was freaked out that İ had school in an hour and had nothing to wear and no school supplies. İ finally got everything and my mother took me to Tevfik Fikret. We got stuck in traffic on the way there. When we got there there was a weird ceremony going on that involved native Turkish dancing. The school was so busy with the French embassy so my mom was just like do you want to leave and İ said yes. Heh. We went to another school a few hours later and İ hated it so much İ was trying not go cry. İt`s in English. Tevfik Fikret didn`t want me because some of the classes are in Turkish. İ know they had an American student last year so why are they saying it to me. İ was saying it would be okay and no one would listen. İ think my mother always gets what she wants and won`t settle for anything else. Melike is like this too. And İ couldn`t be more opposite. İ accomodate to whatever people want if it will avoid having a conversation about it. İt`s MY school. The school that İ will be going to for a year. İ want Turkish or French. İ want social studies. But apparently İ`m being put in a bunch of English science and math classes. The head master was like do you like science. İ said no. Do you like literature. İ said no. Do you like gym. İ said no. Do you like school. İ said yes. God what a fucking asshole. He sort of skipped social studies altogether. The head of the English department was the biggest bitch ever. She was trying to chat it up with me and it was making me want to cry. İ should have just bursted out crying right when she was explaining to me the exquisite fucking English program. My mom would have freaked out though and never shut the hell up about it. They have 10 hours a week of English, 3 hours of literature, and then some other shit. They evaluate all aspects of the English language which would be easy for me especially since İ thi nk İ have better English than most Americans. They have classes of 9 or 10 and want me to help the other students. There`s no way in hell that`s going to happen :). İ`d expect to be paid for that. She was SUCH a bitch. She kept talking about how İ wouldn`t speak and how İ`d have to speak in the classes. And she kept asking if İ had questions. İ said no and she assumed this meant İ could be put in any classes and İ wouldn`t care. Of course İ care about my education İ just don`t have any questions because İ don`t give a shit about your horrible school. Lol, İ could have snapped so many times. Maybe it wouldn`t be so bad. Maybe İ should put forth just a little effort. Maybe İ`m bitter because yesterday and today have been horrible so far. İt`s so hard.
So yes we went to Bodrum. İt sucked. Probably the most boring almost 3 weeks of my life. İ was about to say in the last entry that İ didn`t want to go. İ knew it was going to be horrible. İf you think about it though İ had no one to talk to, couldn`t watch TV, couldn`t go on the computer for more than 5 minutes at a time because my sister hogged it. But what really drove me crazy was that İ couldn`t listen to music or read English words. The highlights of my days were meal times which also caused stress. So between meal times 90% of the time İ was laying down somewhere and always wishing the time would pass. Oh and if we went into town to buy groceries that was a real treat. After Zeynep and Mehmet left it was kind of like okay.. now what. İ miss Zeynep. She`s kind of like my shepherd and she has the best English. İ wish she wasn`t going to Brazil. And it`s in one week. Although İ get very mixed signals form everyone and İ can`t read anyone. At all. Especially Melike. İ don`t know what to think about her. İ can`t tell if she likes me. İ go from thinking she hates me to thinking she loves me. The same goes for Zeynep but İ only think she doesn`t like me for 2 reasons. Melike said something extremely bitchy to me in Bodrum and İ`m not going to write it here because if İ forget what it was it will be more than okay, but it will probably keep replaying in my mind. Her and Zeynep get in fights sometimes.. a lot actually. So İ wonder if what Melike said just means that İ`m accepted. İ wish we could be friends. İ can`t help but think İ let everyone down by being a shitty exchange student who won`t even talk to her host family. But İ can`t. Bodrum wasn`t all that bad. Well actually it was but some things we did were go to the aquapark, go horseback riding, see the Cuban band play. İ remember when we were at the bar and Zeynep, Melike, and İ were talking. Well actually mostly just Zeynep was talking. And then we went for a walk and it was weird to be hanging out with Mehmet. Then Zeynep and İ talked for a while and she said "İ don`t know your feelines" and İ realized no one knows my feelings. İ want to be able to open up and talk to my family. Terry said İ`m quiet but when İ get to know someone İ open up. So Zeynep also told me about how her father was in jail in 1980 for rebelling against the Turkish government, etc. İ think there`s so many interesting things like that that they could tell me if İ just let them. Then melike joined and we went and sat closer to the water and got into this political discussion in which very few of my thoughts were shared. İt was interesting though. The return date from Bodrum kept getting pushed back and it drove me closer and closer to the edge. Because İ was counting down the hours. And it`s depressing when you have to add hours. İ guess my whole exchange so far has been defined by mood swings. İf you read this journal up to here you can see this. And İ`m quite down-trodden right now. My "first day of school" was crazy. When İ found out we`d be coming back to Ankara on the first day of school İ was so enraged. How my family has the ability to control this. How it`s been almost a month and İ haven`t spend more than two days in a row in my bed in Ankara. So we arrived at six in the morning. İt was freezing and we took a taksi and when we got here the electricity was out and my dresser was missing from my room. Weird. İ was trying on some of Melike`s school uniforms and İ thought it was odd how no one else was freaked out that İ had school in an hour and had nothing to wear and no school supplies. İ finally got everything and my mother took me to Tevfik Fikret. We got stuck in traffic on the way there. When we got there there was a weird ceremony going on that involved native Turkish dancing. The school was so busy with the French embassy so my mom was just like do you want to leave and İ said yes. Heh. We went to another school a few hours later and İ hated it so much İ was trying not go cry. İt`s in English. Tevfik Fikret didn`t want me because some of the classes are in Turkish. İ know they had an American student last year so why are they saying it to me. İ was saying it would be okay and no one would listen. İ think my mother always gets what she wants and won`t settle for anything else. Melike is like this too. And İ couldn`t be more opposite. İ accomodate to whatever people want if it will avoid having a conversation about it. İt`s MY school. The school that İ will be going to for a year. İ want Turkish or French. İ want social studies. But apparently İ`m being put in a bunch of English science and math classes. The head master was like do you like science. İ said no. Do you like literature. İ said no. Do you like gym. İ said no. Do you like school. İ said yes. God what a fucking asshole. He sort of skipped social studies altogether. The head of the English department was the biggest bitch ever. She was trying to chat it up with me and it was making me want to cry. İ should have just bursted out crying right when she was explaining to me the exquisite fucking English program. My mom would have freaked out though and never shut the hell up about it. They have 10 hours a week of English, 3 hours of literature, and then some other shit. They evaluate all aspects of the English language which would be easy for me especially since İ thi nk İ have better English than most Americans. They have classes of 9 or 10 and want me to help the other students. There`s no way in hell that`s going to happen :). İ`d expect to be paid for that. She was SUCH a bitch. She kept talking about how İ wouldn`t speak and how İ`d have to speak in the classes. And she kept asking if İ had questions. İ said no and she assumed this meant İ could be put in any classes and İ wouldn`t care. Of course İ care about my education İ just don`t have any questions because İ don`t give a shit about your horrible school. Lol, İ could have snapped so many times. Maybe it wouldn`t be so bad. Maybe İ should put forth just a little effort. Maybe İ`m bitter because yesterday and today have been horrible so far. İt`s so hard.
