Current mood:

sad

I was thinking about my sister today and I felt really bad. I don't know how she's going to end up, and it breaks my heart a lot. She's probably the reason I'll never have kids. I was talking to Terry about this today and he was saying if what she's doing continues he can see her doing worse things such as doing drugs, getting pregnant at a young age (sorry Chelsea, I don't mean it like that :p), stealing money from him or my mom, etc. And the thing is my sister is extremely smart, especially for her age. I can see that she's well beyond her age group. We were talking about how she could use her intelligence to manipulate people so easily. Thinking about Lisa manipulating my mom or stealing things from her made me feel particularly horrible. I think my mom is the last person in the world who would deserve that. After my dad died I know she'd do anything for me and my sister. I often stop her from buying things for me because it makes me feel so bad. At Christmas when it was just us three I felt so horrible because my mom was asking if I liked everything she got me because she really tried and she wants to make us happy. I think the fact that my mom remarried lifted such an amazing weight off my shoulders.. it makes me worry about her less. And then I wonder if how my sister is turning out could be somewhat my fault.. all the times when I was younger that I told her I hated her even when of course I didn't mean it or when I made promises I didn't keep. I was mostly an only child when growing up. I think when I was little I was a really good kid; I've gotten along great with my parents my whole life. I've always pretty much been a complete nerd.. so I've never gotten into trouble or anything.

I think I'm too sensitive though. I don't do a lot of things because I always think there will be consequences even if the consequences are as little as feeling my own guilt.. even when it comes to things like hanging out with people. It always makes me feel horrible and guilty and I don't quite know why, so therefore I have few friends. Whenever I'm at someone's house I always feel bad and long to be home. I never spend money on anything because I feel too much guilt. Even when my parents give me money for food or something I feel like I don't deserve it. And of course maybe there's something very wrong with me..

It's funny how my sister and I are such polar opposites. And maybe her situation isn't even as bad as I'm making it out to be.. oh god, I hope not.

This next year is going to be a bitch. I'm soooooo scared for it. I think if I get through it, it will be an amazing accomplishment. But then again I'm scared for all the initial things.. meeting my family, public speaking to my rotary district. But then again I'm scared for all the bad things, forgetting that I'll be surrounded by so many good things.

God where did all this come from?